I have moments where my emotions seem to proceed me. I begin to wonder why is it that my heart beats so dull, so low. Is it not feeling the happiness and sadness of those around me? Does it not choose to wholely express and intake the love it was made for? I walk through my days restlessly, doing the things I believe I should find myself doing, doing what I can to keep my soul pure, though I cannot keep it whole. I cannot keep it from slipping into a darkness, one that I can only describe as a seed that begun in my heart and flourished when it was broken. A darkness that came alive through the destruction of dreams. But then sometimes I begin to see a little light. I see signs of hope around me and hold onto them hoping that one day it will be mine. My dreams will be mine. How long before they are mine…

Never rely on any person for anything, regardless of who it is. Expectations always bring disappointments. Promises always bring disappointments. Obligations are never fulfilled and it’s better if they’re never appointed. You’re always going to be alone at the end of the day, so just focus on your own happiness. Never let your happiness depend upon a person, nor make your actions out to please any other person besides yourself.

I’m slipping farther and farther away from who I was, and right into someone I never imagined myself to be.

Seeking happiness but I keep hitting dead ends.

I feel like I’m just getting close to depression.

Sigh. 

My friends say I should start recording. I don’t know what it is about me. It’s so easy for me to sing my heart out in front of my closest friends, or to send a free write to someone I know… but the thought of a mic, of recording, or performing… it’s just so terrifying and appealing at the same time. Orchestra for five years and choir for a year and you’d think I would have it down but I’m. Just. So. Scared. Solo performances are so different. I’m trying to do something, like a legit career with my life but music just pulls me. But at the same time, this is the one shell that I have not been able to break. Talk to cute guys and give job interviews full of confidence but I. Can’t. Perform. 

Sigh.

It’s so easy to sit in a room in your loneliness. 

It’s so easy to fool everyone into thinking you’re happy and fine and shit by just texting them “I’m fine.”

It’s so easy to ignore the texts of others and pretend you’re busy when in reality you’re laying alone crying.

It’s so easy for your mom to come in and get something from your room and not realize how much you need her.

It’s just so damn easy for people to listen to your words, but never listen to your silence.

I hate it when guys in there 20s hit me up typing like its 2000 flip phone texts. Like stop please. -_- Go to some ratchet girl with that, or act your age.

They see her broken out but never stop to ask what she’s stressed about

See poofy eyes and assume that she’s sick meanwhile she’s clearing her eyes out 

Clearing her heart of all the pain she ever felt, but tonight it seems like its everything she’s ever dealt

Her mind races on a new belt where she feels so confinded

She becomes blinded to her talents and insecurity peaks from where shed hide it

The back corners of her mind become alive, she becomes reminded

To what she was before amazing, before she began to inspire

She begins to desire the feeling of happiness as the pain takes over her

Forgets the smile she held earlier while she’s dreaming of her life closure

Will she ever receive any closure? To all this pain that she feels

Or will it delve back into the corners of her mind only to be resurfaced by resurrected fears

Everyone is managing to piss me off tonight. It’s like other people are pretending they know anything about me and spread false things about me to make themselves feel better when they do worse. I seriously don’t understand how I still have the slightest bit of hope for humanity when there’s people that exist just to prey and suck the confidence out of someone. Everyone that knows me tells me I’m an inspiration but then there’s assholes like some that go out and take a good thing for a negative. Stop caring about my life when I don’t care about yours. You live yours and I live mine. And PLEASE stop being a hypocrite. Every single person today has been a hypocrite in some sense and I hate calling people fake cause I don’t like to be judgmental and give everyone multiple chances, but there’s a lot even I can take before I break.

Life is really testing me tonight.

In the end I’m still confident, because I KNOW that these people are wrong for making up lies and anyone who has met me won’t believe them because I show myself for who I truly am.

If only everyone could be like that. ::sigh::

5am. 5 fucking am. A couple months ago, being awake at this time would be because my heart would hurt. But the pain heals, life moves on. And now… I’m awake because I’m pretty damn lonely. I act like the most hyper and happiest person out there while I really feel like just curling up into a ball…which is what I usually do when I’m home. Just lay in my bed all day long and wonder if someone will ever love me the way I can love them. Like I hang out with my brother and his girl sometimes and seeing them so happy makes me happy for them, and it gives me so much hope, but at the same time it makes me upset because I want something that lasts so bad. I feel like every time a guy begins to talk to me, he’s just not mature enough to handle something real. But then again I’ve only talked to two guys in the past… damn it’s almost a year already. Maybe I’m impatient, but is it too much to ask for a realationship? I’m not asking the nigga to marry me. Just fucking be with me… for the sake of a proper cute ass relationship. So I can feel someone against me with actual feelings for the person. Just come, whoever you are…before I pick someone whose bad for me out of desperation and cause self destruction.

Please. Just come. I just wanna feel love again.

I think the reason why my life is so drama free is cause I recognize a crazy bitch when I see one. Like the shit I hear from my friends about some chicks….Why are some girls soooooooo clingy and retarded and just possessive to an extreme level? Like damn my exs’ never take shit to the level some peoples friends do.

Girls are insaneeeeeeeeee.